Mortimer – Dress for Stress, Pt. 3

Mortimer loves tacos. While other dragons prefer to fly around and roast humans with their breath she just loves to sit by the high security closet sipping Mountain Dew and eating tacos. She is quite a weird dragon to be honest. She has two ant farms, a pet rat named Janice, and she loves to read fantasy novels and review them on the internet. None of the books ever got a rating above 2 stars from her because of their ‘stereotypical portrayal’ of dragons. Her words. When she isn’t guarding the closet, reading her books or eating tacos, she loves to watch Sally knit. Ever since Sally joined our little circle, Mortimer has been bugging her to knit her this and that. I think, right at this moment, she is trying to convince Sally how much she’d love to wear red-white-green gloves with the bright blue scarf Sally made her a while ago.

You’re probably wondering why Mortimer is a she. Mortimer is in transition and hasn’t picked a new name for herself yet. She has a list though, and right now I think Bianca is her favorite. I don’t envy her. I am not particularly happy with my own name but I wouldn’t be able to pick a name for myself. Anyway, Mortimer is the coolest dragon in the world and I am proud and happy and grateful, that I can call her my friend. And you really don’t want to mess with her by trying to break into the closet. She’s a fucking dragon after all.

Joe & Sally – Dress for Stress, Pt. 2

It is my understanding that Alien Joe is invisible to regular people. Regular as in not-part-of-the-supernatural-scene. You’d be surprised how many people have no understanding whatsoever of what is going on outside of their little world. However, some people are sensitive enough to see what is happening around them. Granted, many of them choose to ignore it, but from time to time it does happen that one of those is walking down the street sipping their latte-to-go and passing by my store at the exact moment when Mortimer farts and Alien Joe has to open all doors and windows to make sure he and I continue breathing and don’t fall to a horrible death by dragon-butt-odor.

So it happened this morning that one particularly tall woman stopped in her tracks and dropped her chai-latte-whatever-to-go, staring at Alien Joe who like always when someone is paying too much attention to him, turned a bright yellow and started to flap all four of his ears.

Like many sensitive people before her had done, the woman looked left and right to see if anyone else passing by had noticed, which they hadn’t, and I could see her brain running through possible scenarios how to proceed from here.

I can list a number of things people do in this situation but all of those end with the person leaving convincing themselves that they are not crazy and that this hasn’t happened.

This woman, however, decided she wasn’t crazy and that she wasn’t dreaming and that no one had drugged her, hell, I don’t know what she was thinking. But she stepped closer.

“Are you real?” she whispered at Joe and I. Joe stared up at her, his ears still flapping.

Before I could answer, Joe’s face turned ultramarine, which is actually quite disturbing to watch, and then he did something I had never seen him do before. He smiled. I mean, I suppose he smiled . It’s hard to tell when you don’t really know whether an alien’s facial orifice is a mouth or not. I simply assumed this one was because he used it to speak, So, sue me but I am a human of habit with no imagination of my own so all aliens to me are similar to us people. At least when it comes to body parts. I know, I know, Joe has 4 ears but those could really be just two ears and two wings that aren’t working. Who knows. Anyway, he smiled at the woman, and to my surprise she smiled back.

“Of course, I am,” Joe said, and he leaned forward. “Are you?” He whispered to her and the woman simply nodded and blushed slightly, then she started to giggle.

I don’t remember much after that. Mostly because Mortimer had eaten too many tacos and was farting up a storm, and the fumes made me dizzy. But also because I really don’t like awkward moments. I tend to start rambling and I think I have but Joe must have knocked me out just to shut me up. For one thing, I am glad I don’t remember. Joe and Sally are moving in together soon. I’m really happy for them. I’m wondering though if she is going to fit into his spaceship with which he crashed on our planet.

Dress for Stress

“Superheroes love to save the world but even they need help from time to time. Let’s be honest, most of these guys know how to build robots, climb buildings, and defeat the villain but all of them have a terrible fashion sense and know absolutely nothing about how to repair their capes. That’s where I come in. My name is Felicia Glory and I am the owner of Dress For Stress, your sewing and repair service of all things superhero clothing. Mr Roboto tore your cape? Magnetismo ruined your spandex pants? Just call me and you’ll be back up and fighting evil in style in no time.

At least, that’s what my ad in the paper says. Sometimes it may take a few days. But don’t worry, for only small fee I can store your spare clothes in my 24-hour closet available to you around the clock. The closet is heavily protected against all sorts of destructive weapons you can think of. When I started my business I hadn’t thought of that but you learn from mistakes. And when Booby Bett and Eye’s Pop got into their huge fight during which they accidentally blew up my grandmother’s old wooden closet, I spared no cost and effort to install this high security one. In addition to various technical gimmicks that allow access only to the true owner of their clothes, Mortimer is guarding it.

Good old Mortimer. I suppose, a dragon watching your clothes and gear is not a service offered by many.

But that’s not why you’re here. See, I just broke up with my boyfriend. I’m in my thirties with a what you call plus-plus-plus-size hourglass figure and hair that is starting to grey. I suppose it would grey even more wouldn’t I dye it a bright colour every other week. I have two cats and a dragon, live in the backroom of my store and I discovered that I like being single. My father doesn’t understand it. After all I’m not someone a proper man would marry to have his children. His words. But what does he know. For the first time I am running my business myself, my life myself and everything else myself, too. Come to think of it, it’s never been any different because even in my past relationships I had to run everything myself. Maybe that’s why those relationships never lasted. Maybe that’s why those guys always left me for some other woman or, as in one case, man. But quite frankly, I don’t care. I think I’m pretty awesome. I mean, I do have my own business, which is quite successful, and I own a dragon. Who else can say that?

Sure, most of my friends are getting married, starting a family and building houses but that’s not me. So why is it so hard to understand that I am actually quite happy with my life right now? Because women have to be married by a certain age? Because women are nothing without a man taking care of them? -Yeah, screw that, I say. I live my life for myself. Not for the rest of this world. And I’m not going to change just to please other people. If I’m going to change then I’ll do it for myself because I feel the need to change.”

I slammed my hand on the table and stared at the flustered, green-purple specked face of Alien Joe, who took a step backwards.

“I-I suppose you’re right,” he stammered while his eyes darted left and right. “But I really need a job and I saw you were hiring.“

I took a deep breath. „Ah, yes,” I coughed, “I’m sorry, I got a little carried away there. Can you start right away?“

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